Saturday, July 31, 2010

I still dream of smoking

Hmm...ok, this is a test post as much as anything, as I'm aiming to set it to post over the weekend when I won't be online. So...hopefully it does!

I still dream of smoking, like the title says.

I gave up almost 5 months ago now - soon as I found out about being pregnant.

In a way that made it easier - I didn't have a choice about giving up, the way I put it to myself. Harming myself is one thing, but I really didn't want to harm my child. So I quit.

Soon after quitting I started having mad dreams about smoking. One of the scariest and most vivid involved being shot at, and getting away from the shooters, then stopping for a cigarette - which I justified on the grounds of "well, I've been shot at - that's a bad enough thing to have happened to make it ok for me to smoke now".

Strange, the way the mind works. I dreamed of smoking last night as well, though nothing so frightening thankfully.

Your brain definitely plays tricks on you when you're fighting an addiction. I mean, I woke up from that dream months ago almost wishing I had been shot at, because somehow my justification logic for smoking in that situation seemed sound. Also, I think the grumpiness that comes with being off the fags is a trick of the brain too. Your brain wants you to fight with your friends and family, so you'll feel upset, and reach for that common crutch - a cigarette. You create a scenario that is plausibly upsetting enough to justify smoking again.

Manipulated by my own mind. A scary thought. Is my consciousness or subconscious self the one in control?

At least I've managed to stay off them so far. I like being healthier, I like knowing I'm not giving an as yet unborn baby a nicotine addiction, among a long list of other health benefits to not smoking while pregnant.

I think I'll always be an addict though - I'll always have the odd craving. I'll just have to fight them off one at a time.


Em said...

Smoking is nasty. You should definitely stay off the nasty smelly things as you're too nice to be a smoker! :)

Joleen said...

Aw, thank you! I think...

Charlie Juliet said...

Horrible to say, but I do enjoy my ciggie. Though I will have to think seriously about giving up as cigs are going up (AGAIN) making it about $16AU for a pack of 25's.
I have tried before to give up... this time I think I'll have to buy a truckload of mints and scribble more.

Joleen said...

I was always a smoker who enjoyed it, that's what's made it so hard to give up! I'm not sure of the conversion rate but here it's about €8.50 for a pack of 20. Very costly, most of it is tax. I think the economy would collapse if all the smokers actually did give up!
I did have some success before with cutting down, by smoking outside rather than in - I cut down from about 25 a day to 7 or 8 that way.